Jordan Silberman, MAPP ‘06, does pediatric palliative care research at the Children’s Hospital of Philadelphia. Jordan’s bio.        Jordan writes on the 27th of each month, and his past articles are here.

It was quite possibly the most inspiring and shocking behavior I’ve ever witnessed; I was bewildered and heartened by what this mother had done. It wasn’t a terribly overt act, certainly not something that will propel this twenty-something mother onto the evening news. She simply checked a box on a psychological survey that I administered, a box adjacent to the following text: “I feel cheerful most or all of the time.”

If you met this young mother–we’ll call her “Bonnie”–you wouldn’t be surprised that she reports spending most of her time in a good mood. But her life conditions are anything but positive or peaceful; Bonnie’s four-week old son suffers from a life-threatening disease, an unceasing buildup of fluid that could take his life at any moment.

Given that Bonnie deeply loves her only son, that her son’s life could end at any time, and that his body is an eerily disproportionate and unanimated extension of clamoring medical devices, how is it possible that this young mom could feel cheerful “most or all of the time?” Why is her disposition as sunny as that of anybody I can think of?

Maybe Bonnie feels this way at least in part because “it’s all relative.” Although her son’s condition is devastating and his prognosis is bleak, his current health is actually an improvement relative to what was expected; doctors thought that the infant would not be alive at birth. Because she spent a portion of her pregnancy anticipating a stillbirth, her son’s current health was better than anticipated. Bonnie was actually grateful for the little time that she could spend with her son. For the parents of my healthy six-week-old cousin, in contrast, a common cold would be disconcerting relative to the perfect health that their baby was blessed with. In both cases, subjective evaluation of life circumstances is relative to a set of often-unexamined expectations.

The point? What can we learn from Bonnie that is applicable to more mundane situations? When we’re dealt circumstances that seem dreadful, it may be useful to consider others whose situations are even worse. Maybe we should make an effort to be less concerned with the neighbor or the friend or the millionaire who has what we want. If we want to be happy, maybe we should instead occasionally revisit the world’s misfortunes, and be grateful when our circumstances are better than the circumstances that others are forced to endure.

Of course, this is nothing new; a convergence of science (e.g., Frieswijk et al., 2005) and spirituality (e.g., Walsch, 1999) has certainly suggested this strategy before. I write only to reiterate, in light of an inspiring experience, that one’s level of psychological well-being often depends on the comparison of current circumstances to (often arbitrary) expectations. Any time we evaluate our situation, we can engage in either upward or downward comparison. We can wallow in what we lack, or we can be grateful that our circumstances are superior to those of many who are less fortunate. And, personally, I prefer the latter.

References
Frieswijk, N., Buunk, B., Steverink, N, & Slaets, J. (2005). The effect of social comparison information on the life satisfaction of frail older persons. Tijdschrift voor Gerontologie en Geriatrie, 36(3), 100-108.
Walsch, R. (1999). Essential Spirituality. New York: John Wiley.

Image: survey.